“Babe, I found a lump in my breast…” My heart was pounding & it was 2am but I knew I needed Keegan & I knew I would not sleep otherwise. Keegan woke up & immediately told me everything was okay, but I was panicking & immediately went to the worst scenario. I check my breasts almost every day & this lump felt massive & seemed to appear out of nowhere. I have very fibrous breasts, but they always seem to sort of match on both sides & this was not like the other & something I have never felt before. Keegan felt it but remained calm, loving & reassuring while my head quickly spun out of control. I tried to take deep breaths but they quickly turned to tears & fears. My mom had breast cancer & had to have a mastectomy & I thought that my chances weren’t increased by very much but my mind of course went to that, to the worst, to suffering, to dying. I don’t speak much about my medical anxiety because talking about it is intertwined in my neuroses. Keegan is the first person I have let into those dark thoughts & when I begin to spiral. I have had a couple incidents in our relationship where I freaked out about health related issues, where Keegan had to talk me down. My hypochondria is selective, whereas some worry all the time, I mainly worry when something happens. But I have a hard time breaking that loop & unfortunately I am able to create pain in my body even though there is nothing wrong. So I have a hard time trusting myself when I begin these obsessive thoughts- I lose myself in them.
We decided to wait & see if the lump went away- Keegan did research on breast lumps & told me how common they were & that he wasn’t worried about it. We waited but after several days the lump remained. I called a woman who I had went to see two summers ago- a Nurse Practitioner who specializes in woman health services & leans more towards the holistic side of medicine. I was barely able to speak with her without sobbing but I did it. Unfortunately, because of Covid she shut her practice down & is mainly doing telemedicine right now. She suggested two clinics so I called the one that seemed best for me but it was Friday & they were closed over the weekend. So I held it together for two days & waited for a call back. But by Tuesday I still hadn’t received a call so I went & called the other clinic & they called me back a couple hours later. The receptionist said that they aren’t really doing woman’s health right now & I literally just wanted to cry. I didn’t know where the hell to go. I texted Keegan & told him I couldn’t deal with it & he of course offered to do some research for me. I finally remembered that my friend had gotten this thermal imaging scan nearby & asked her for the info. Keegan had also found the same place, so I went online & made an appointment.
The woman who runs the Thermal Imaging clinic is a breast cancer survivor & had a double mastectomy. Carol used to be a mammographer for decades & believes that mammograms are what gave her cancer. I went in hoping to find some answers as to what this was & what I needed to do. She was so immensely kind to me & of course I cried to her. She scanned me & though she said she still needed her doctor to review my scans, she was certain that this was not cancer. Thermal Imaging is a relatively new technology, much safer & supposedly much more accurate, being able to detect cancer years in advance. Carol thought it could be a cyst or an infected gland. I asked her what I would do if it was a cyst & she said nothing- they usually want to stick a needle in it or surgically remove it when its mainly unnecessary. She was so understanding & was very happy to know that I don’t wear a bra because bras hold in toxins & breasts should be able to flop around while also exercising those muscles. Her one request was that I cut out caffeine. I only drink decaf but it still has caffeine in it. My kombucha has black tea & there is caffeine in chocolate. Carol called me that night with the results of my scans from her doctor & she reiterated to me that it was not cancer & that I should feel relieved & I did.
So I cut way down on my decaf lattes, took the cacao out of my daily smoothies & stopped kombucha. After several days the lump began to get smaller & I was feeling much better. But then for some reason I said fuck it & I started with my decaf lattes again, had a kombucha & tons of chocolate. I also was about to start my period so my breasts were already swollen. I was checking the lump every other day to lessen my daily anxiety (because I began obsessively touching it) but all of a sudden it was much bigger & actually changing shape. The anxiety & looping of negative thoughts began again. I cut everything out, this time completely caffeine free & waited several days. The lump got so big that I could feel the pressure of it under my skin & it began to hurt & ache. Every time I could feel it against my body my stomach grew tighter & tighter into knots. Finally, I had Keegan check it & his reaction made my heart drop. He finally looked concerned & I don’t blame him at all but I again just started crying & feeling anxious. He said I should get it checked or maybe call Carol. I couldn’t make the call so Keegan did for me & she reassured me & him again- its not Cancer & she wasn’t surprised that it got bigger & changed shape with caffeine & my period. She also said that I should get an ultrasound just to see the shape & size & have something to compare it to in 3 months. She had actually suggested that in her full thermal imaging report but we just read it wrong. Again Keegan did the research & made the calls for me.
Keegan found a local medical clinic with Nurse Practitioners & Physician’s Assistants who could order an ultrasound for me. But the next appointment was a month away & Keegan, again, my tireless advocate pushed the receptionist & I was able to get an appointment two days later. The woman examined me & she also felt like it was a cyst but did write me an ultrasound request from another clinic. She mentioned that I should take a Vitamin E supplement as well as continue with no caffeine. She said the ultrasound clinic might require me to get a mammogram but when I went to the website to make an appointment they had an option for just an ultrasound. So three days later we drove to another clinic for more people to look at my titties. Fortunately I finally noticed the lump getting smaller.
When we arrived at the clinic they only allowed patients inside. I asked if Keegan could come with me as my advocate & she didn’t understand why. Why I was unable to take care of myself properly which is embarrassing. But right away she said that I would need to get a mammogram & I informed her that I did not want a mammogram, only an ultrasound. She said that the decision would be up to the technicians. This is why I wanted Keegan with me but she said that their office is set up in two sections, male & female. Neither are allowed on the opposite section which I rather liked cuz men are creeps. I waited in the waiting room with a beating heart & sick tummy waiting to fight for myself. In the end they didn’t push for the mammogram & just gave me an ultrasound. The technician thought it was also a cyst & actually found two more much smaller ones. My only complaint was that she was training someone, so she allowed this trainee to do a whole other ultrasound on me which was just physically uncomfortable & almost painful but also exposing me to further risks. I have a really hard time speaking up for myself but also, I know people need to be trained. I just think folks should be able to consent to that. So, the doctor would review my ultrasound images & tell me before I left. So I waited & to my relief it was confirmed to be a fibrocystic cyst.
I was relieved & able to finally let go of that dark loop. I had a plan & strict regime. The lump indeed continued to get smaller & now, a month & a couple weeks later the lump is gone. I wanted to share all of this as I was going through it but my anxiety was far too extreme & honestly, I really didn’t tell anyone because unfortunately with the anxiety that I have, most people unintentionally make me feel worse. I didn’t even tell my mom or sister for a couple weeks, though I wish I had sooner. My sister, even though we are 12 years apart, are so much alike & hearing her anxieties, which are similar to mine gave me so much comfort. She also has had a few cysts- so we are the cysty sisters apparently. My mom was super concerned & it was stressing me out but I don’t blame her. Its hard to be so far away & unable to comfort me in person. My mom was always my go to when I had these meltdowns. Now Keegan gets to deal with me, yay!
I also didn’t want to write about it because I have OCD or superstition, where if I write it out, in my head it may come true. For the most part I am relatively happy & able to deal with a large amount of stress. I work two jobs, about 70-80 hours a week, I deal with neglected & abused animals, I hold animals as they die, I have to worry about finding them proper homes, keeping them in homes & the grunt of working every single day. I have not had a full day off for 2 years which is mainly by choice mind you. I am so perceptive & Keegan even thinks a little psychic but for some reason when it comes to anything possibly happening to my health I spiral. But its not just with me- it’s with the people I love as well. So I signed up for therapy hoping to find some answers with my medical anxiety but also other areas of my life.
I wanted to write this down for my own mental health but also for other folks who have breasts & may be worried. I urge you to check your breasts frequently but also to not feel pressured to get mammograms when you turn 40. But, if you want mammograms that’s okay too. People should have choices & options for what works for them & their needs. I also really need to not hear your negative opinions on my choices or what you think I should have done or should do. Keegan is one of the most intelligent people I know, he has done so much medical research for his family, for himself, for me & for his films. He has read so many studies & learned about so many things that frighten me & I would rather not know. I trust him, literally with my life & what he relays to me about certain medical treatments & procedures, is how I decide what is right for me.
But I am open to questions if you have any. So the things I did along with dropping caffeine completely (chocolate included) was taking vitamin e twice a day, I doubled my water intake, added dry brushing 4-5 times a week, CBD balm every night & Keegan’s aunt was nice enough to send me some herbs, tea & breast oil. I do Epsom salt baths & also Bentonite clay masks on my titties. I also stopped wearing a sports bra when I run & so far its been actually great! I have also been working on my circulation which is not the best it could be, which is crazy because if you look at a top ten list of things to do for better circulation I pretty much do all of them. But regardless, the herbs I am taking should help with that, but I also do “legs up the wall” pose every day for 10 minutes & lay on my spikey mat every night for at least an hour. I upped my daily meditation from 20 minutes to 25-30 minutes & am trying to add more guided meditations. I started therapy & am willing to see if this will help me with my anxiety & other issues.
So- this is to say, I have been really stressed over the last month or so & I either was distant with folks, was asking even more of my co-workers, maybe seemed annoyed with you but really was just freaking the fuck out & sharing this is a really big step for me because its admitting things I am embarrassed to admit. But here it is, a whole blog about my tits- hope you enjoyed.